


Admitting the Truth

by madnephelite



Category: Station 19 (TV)
Genre: F/M, Grief/Mourning, Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:02:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24138565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madnephelite/pseuds/madnephelite
Summary: Vic and Jackson have a talk after he gets shot.
Relationships: Emmett Dixon/Travis Montgomery, Victoria Hughes & Travis Montgomery, Victoria Hughes/Lucas Ripley
Comments: 11
Kudos: 48





	Admitting the Truth

**Author's Note:**

> Writing is like therapy to me and this is what I would have liked to see because I'm just super frustrated with Vic's story this season. It just doesn't make any sense or has any substance. Her character sadly has no depth or any development this season. I hope they do better, much better, next season because it sucks for Barrett to be stuck with a shitty storyline again.
> 
> I hope you like this. Sorry for the tears.

Vic walked into the hospital, looking for Jackson’s room. According to Dean, it wasn’t anything serious but she just needed to see it for herself. There had been too much death in her life in the past year and she was tired of it. 

She entered his room and found him smiling at her. “Hey, what are you doing here?” He wondered. 

“I just wanted to check on you,” she answered.

“You really shouldn’t have come. I’m fine. It’s nothing serious. I’ll be out by tomorrow.”

“That’s good,” Vic smiled, not knowing what else to say. It felt weird but then again being around him had always felt weird.

“I guess it’s actually a good thing that you’re here, Vic. I think we need to talk,” she didn’t like the sound of that. “Everything that happened today just gave me a lot to think about. Plus, the things that Emmett said,” Jackson started and Vic looked at him in confusion, not knowing what he was talking about. “It’s a long story. It’s just, I realized that we need to stop this whatever it is,” that’s what Vic was dreading. She didn’t want to stop this. She couldn’t stop this because she knew what stopping this would mean for her.

“We both know that we started this thing for all the wrong reasons and we keep doing this thing for all the wrong reasons.”

“I don’t know what you mean,” Vic lied.

“Come on, Vic! Why did you come to my place the other night? Be honest!”

Vic looked away. “I don’t know,” another lie because Vic knew exactly why she came over that night and why she slept with him.

She had already been struggling with the deaths of Rigo and Pruitt that had made her relive Ripley’s death and had opened up wounds that she was desperately trying to heal but when Sullivan announced that Andy and he had gotten married, that’s when Vic had just lost it completely. 

That was supposed to be Vic with  _ her _ Chief and not Andy and Sullivan. While everyone got up to congratulate the happy couple, Vic just ran out of the barn and cried in her bunk room. She cried until there were no more tears left in her and when her shift ended, she went to Jackson and slept with him because sex helped numb the pain. 

She hated to admit that this was all that Jackson was to her because she hated using people like that but she didn’t care as long as she didn’t feel that unbearable pain any longer.

That’s why she hadn’t been interested when Jackson had offered to just be friends and take it slow and see where it goes because she wasn’t looking for anything serious. She was just looking for someone who could help her relieve the pain. 

“I know that’s not true. You do know,” Vic could feel the tears forming in her eyes. She didn’t dare to look at Jackson.

“You know, you were talking in your sleep,” he stated, “you said “I love you, Lucas”.”

And there it was. The L-word that she had tried to avoid for almost a year. She had called him “my guy”, “my fiance” and Ripley but never Lucas because she just couldn’t. Because she knew that if she had said his name she wouldn’t have been able to breathe. She wouldn’t have been able to stop crying. She wouldn’t have been able to function.

Jackson grabbed her hand. “Vic, it’s okay to still love him. You wanted to marry him and if I hadn’t been so scared of being alone I would have never started dating you after I found out about your loss. I should have known better but I was being selfish.”

Vic listened to what he was saying and her heart broke all over again. Not because he was ending this thing between them for good but because he was right. She had spent this entire year in denial, pretending that she was okay and happy when in reality she had a hole in her heart that she didn’t know how to fix. She thought she could fix it by distracting herself with Jackson but that wasn’t working after all. 

She may have been able to erase Lucas from her mind but her heart was still yearning for him. Her heart still belonged to Lucas Ripley and she had no idea if she could ever love another person the way she loved him. She didn’t know if she would ever find anyone that would make her feel the way that Lucas did. 

“You know I’m right about this,” Vic nodded. “I need to be alone for a while and be a dad. And you need to grieve Lucas. And don’t worry about me showing up at your station. My mother pulled the funding for the PRT after what happened today. She doesn’t want me out there risking my life.”

Vic nodded as she wiped her tears before leaning in to kiss his cheek. “Goodbye, Jackson,” she simply said before leaving his room.

Vic left the hospital and just walked until she was standing in front of Travis’ building. She had avoided her best friend for most of the year because Travis knew her and she knew that he would have seen right through her and would have known that she hadn’t moved on.

Vic had realized that her moving on and finding a new best friend after Milton had died may have worked then but Milton had been old and sick, so him dying was hardly a surprise and she was not in love with him. Lucas on the other hand, she was very much in love with, still is, and him dying was unexpected and probably the most devastating thing that had ever happened to her. She had never felt pain like that before. 

She had tried to replace him instead of working through the grief. But was Jackson even supposed to be a real replacement for Lucas? He was the exact opposite of him, both in looks and character and Vic was not herself with Jackson. In fact, she didn’t like the person she was when she was with him. She had ignored all the red flags during that awful dinner with his family. She had ignored the unresolved feelings between Maggie and Jackson because she didn’t want to see them and have a confrontation with her boyfriend. She didn’t want to lose her pain relief and that’s what Jackson had been this entire time. He was like the morphine that helped numb the pain even though she knew that it was bad for her but she didn’t care as long as she didn’t feel anything.

She wiped her eyes as she knocked on Travis’ door. When he didn’t open up after a minute, she realized that he wasn’t home and started to walk away. 

She had to deal with this on her own after all.  
  


* * *

  
Travis was in the middle of a steamy make-out session with his new boyfriend when he heard a knock on the door.

“I think someone is at your door,” Emmett said between kisses.

“I’m busy,” Travis tried to ignore the knocking.

“What if it’s important?” Emmett wondered and Travis sighed as he got up from the bed and put some clothes on.

He opened the door to find no one standing there. When he poked his head out he saw Vic walk away.

“Vic?” Travis wondered as she turned around and before he could say anything else, she just broke down and started crying. Travis ran to her, pulled her up and helped her into his apartment. He sat her down on his couch and just let her cry on his shoulder.

“Travis, who is...” he heard his boyfriend's voice and could feel Vic freeze against him.

“Oh my God, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you had company. I should leave you two be. I’m sorry, Travis. I’m just gonna go,” Vic tried to get up but Travis held on to her. He was not letting her go anywhere in her condition.

“You’re not going anywhere. We are going to sit here for as long as you need to and you can just cry for as long as you have to and then we can talk about Ripley,” Vic looked up at him and sighed.

“Emmett, can you get her a glass of water, please?” Emmett nodded and disappeared before returning with two glasses of water.

“I’ll leave you two alone,” he said quietly and left the room.

“Looks like he is more than just a friend,” Vic sniffed. “I’m really happy for you, Travis.”

Travis knew that she truly meant that even though her own heart was shattered beyond repair at the moment.

“Thanks, Vic but we are not going to talk about me. I’ve been waiting for you to come to me for months but you didn’t and I didn’t want to force you to talk to me so I kept my distance until you were ready.”

“How did you know?”

Travis tilted his head. “That you haven’t moved on?” Vic nodded. “I know you and I’ve been there and I know how much you loved him. I know that you couldn’t have just gotten over him within a month even though you were telling yourself and everyone else that. I know that a person who is happy and whole again and has moved on doesn’t just go off on her friends when they bring up the fact that she moved on quickly. I know that there is no way that you wouldn’t have asked me to crash on my couch after you lost your apartment unless you didn’t want me to see how not okay you are.”

“It feels worse now than it did when he died. I just...”

“I know. That’s because you’ve been fighting the grief and it lingered and now it’s coming back tenfold.”

Vic just sobbed. “He is gone and I miss him so much. I want him back, Travis. Why did he have to go into that building? Why did he have to leave the hospital? Why was I so stupid and didn’t pick up my phone? It’s all my fault. He would be alive if it hadn’t been for me. I would have Lucas with me now and wouldn’t be heartbroken. I would be happily in love instead of being in love with a dead guy. He is gone and I won’t ever get to see him again or hear him call me Eggy or feel his arms around me. One moment, I was thinking of our future together and the next he was just gone and all I have left is memories and pain.”

Travis couldn’t hold back his own tears. He knew exactly what Vic was feeling. He knew what it was like losing the love of your life. That one person that was just the perfect match, that made you a better person in every way, that made you whole. It took him over two years to be able to let go of Michael and he hadn’t fought grief like Vic. 

He knew that this would be a long and painful journey for her and that she needed him and her friends more than ever. 

“I’m here for you, Vic. Just let it all out. I’m not going anywhere,” and so Travis held his best friend for what seemed like an eternity as she cried and cried until she was too exhausted and fell asleep. 

He lied down on the couch with her in his arms and just held her until he fell asleep himself.

  
  



End file.
